A 32-year-old father, currently incarcerated
I’ve learned something hard in prison: most men around here react first and think later. And I used to be no different. You hear a comment, see someone smirk, or get an order from a guard, and boom you explode before your mind even catches up. It’s like living with a hair-trigger inside your chest. Some guys say it’s about pride, some say it’s survival but at the end of the day, it’s just exhausting.
I’m here to tell you: there’s a difference between reacting and responding, and learning that difference is a game-changer.
The Prison Instinct: Survival or Self-Destruction?
Humans are wired to react. In here, instincts are exaggerated. You see another man moving in your space, or a slight in the mess hall, and your body wants to respond like a predator. Back outside, those same instincts show up in arguments, relationships, emails, or social media. It’s the same pattern, just different scenery.
When you react, you’re on autopilot. Your emotions are driving while your brain sits in the backseat, screaming, “Do something now!” It doesn’t care if it’s a fight over a card game or a text you misread at home. It just wants action fast, loud, and immediate.
The thing is, most men who react first feel entitled to their feelings being respected immediately. They assume the world owes them calm, understanding, or a perfect moment. When reality fails to deliver, they lash out. And I’ve been that man more times than I can count.
The Emotional Triggers: Anger and Regret
In my experience, anger and regret are the two emotions that make men act recklessly. Anger flares instantly, like a firecracker, demanding attention and revenge. Regret sneaks in afterward, making you see everything in black and white, turning minor slights into life sentences in your mind. Together, they’re like an unreliable co-pilot in the cockpit of your life.
I’ve thrown punches, slammed doors, cursed out my cellmate over nothing. Later, sitting alone on the bunk, I replay it and realize: I argued with shadows of imagined insults. My anger created a bigger problem than the original issue ever was.
My Wake-Up Call: The Bunkmate Incident
Here’s an example from my own life in prison. A bunkmate once “borrowed” a book from my shelf without asking. My first reaction? I blew up. Screaming, cursing, storming through the unit like the world had personally offended me. I accused him of disrespect, plotted payback, even imagined fights with the whole block if necessary.
Thirty minutes later, I was alone in the bathroom, breathing hard, realizing the book wasn’t even important. He hadn’t taken it maliciously it was carelessness. My reaction had cost me hours of tension, sleepless thinking, and nearly a month of trust with him. I wasted energy and almost ruined relationships over a book.
That’s the problem with reacting: it drains your energy, makes situations worse, and leaves you tired, stressed, and alone with your guilt.
The Pause: A Simple, Radical Idea
Responding, on the other hand, is like having a secret weapon. It’s hitting a mental pause button before you let your mouth or fists run wild. It’s taking a moment to check your emotions, analyze the situation, and decide your action rather than letting your instincts run the show.
In prison, the pause is survival. Outside, it’s sanity. You’re giving yourself perspective. That bunkmate wasn’t trying to start a war. That harsh message at home isn’t the apocalypse. That mistake at work isn’t the end of your life.
Learn More About: Build Emotional Regulation
Doing the Detective Work
After you pause, analyze. Ask yourself:
- What actually happened?
- What is real versus what I imagined?
- Does this deserve my full emotional energy?
- Am I reacting to this moment or dragging old grudges into it?
Most of the time, the answer is “this isn’t worth the fight.” You’ll realize that what felt urgent at first is just another Tuesday.
Responding: Intentional Action
Responding means your actions are deliberate, not reactive. You speak or act with purpose rather than emotion-driven impulse. You aren’t looking for revenge or validation; you’re looking for solutions or peace.
It’s like cooking instead of throwing raw ingredients into a pan and hoping for a meal. You measure, mix, and cook intentionally. That’s what responding feels like.
Entitlement: The Root of Reaction
Here’s the hard truth: reacting often comes from thinking the world owes you calm and fairness. It doesn’t. Out here or out there life doesn’t revolve around you. People forget, ignore, or act selfishly, and that’s their choice, not a personal attack.
Recognizing that your entitlement is fueling your reactions is one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned. Once you see it, it’s easier to step back, pause, and decide: do I want to escalate this, or do I want to solve it?
The Domino Effect of Reactions
One reaction leads to another. Slam a door in anger, and someone yells back. Snap at your kid, and they act out. In prison, start a fight, and it spreads like wildfire across the block. Reactions are contagious.
Responding breaks that cycle. You don’t feed the fire you redirect it. You become the adult in the room, the one who holds their ground without destroying everyone else in the process.
Practice: It Takes Time
Learning to respond is a muscle you build. You’ll fail. You’ll explode. You’ll write or say things you regret. Every time you pause and choose a thoughtful response, though, you’re retraining your mind, carving new pathways that make calm the default over chaos.
Eventually, it becomes easier to stop, breathe, and act with intention rather than emotion.
The Freedom in Choosing
Here’s the best part: when you respond instead of react, you take back your power. You decide which battles matter. You control your energy instead of letting it be drained by imagined slights or fleeting anger.
I tell my son, who’s still out there, that life isn’t about winning arguments it’s about controlling yourself. The world will push you, insult you, and test you. But how you answer reactively or deliberately defines who you are.
Conclusion: Hit Pause, Live Better
Growing up emotionally isn’t mandatory, but it’s smart. You can let anger and sadness control your life, or you can learn to pause, think, and respond. You can waste energy escalating conflict, or you can channel that energy into meaningful actions.
Hitting the pause button has changed my life behind these walls. It’s taught me patience, control, and self-respect. Future me, and the people I care about, benefit every time I choose to respond instead of react.
So next time your blood starts boiling or your mind writes that scathing reply, remember: stop. Breathe. Analyze. Respond. It’s not weakness it’s power.
And trust me, the peace that comes from choosing your response over your reaction is worth more than any fleeting victory your anger could ever buy.
Read More: 7 Lessons Prison Taught Me About Being Enough Without Applause
