Being Real with Your Kids: The Elephant in Every Room
Being real with your kids starts with acknowledging the Elephant in Every Room (Or Visiting Area).
Let me keep it real with y’all for a minute.
Most parents who travel for work, serve in the military, work endless hours, battle addiction, navigate court systems, or like me are incarcerated, are dealing with the same core issue. And it’s uncomfortable, so we don’t always say it out loud.
We’re not there.
Period. Point blank. No chaser.
Now, yes, there are obvious differences between someone who flies out for business meetings and someone writing this from behind bars. I can’t exactly catch a red-eye and be home by Sunday night. But if we’re being honest, the pain our kids feel doesn’t come with footnotes or disclaimers. Absence feels like absence to a child, no matter the reason.
And that’s the part we don’t like to sit with.
Our children don’t experience our absence as “necessary sacrifice” or “temporary circumstances.” They experience it as empty seats, missed hugs, unanswered bedtime questions, and moments where they look around and wonder why the one person they need isn’t there.
That’s the elephant in the room. Or the visiting area. Or the quiet house. Or the daycare pickup line.
The Benefits of Being Real with Your Kids
I already know what some of y’all are thinking.
“Phoenix, but that traveling job pays better.”
“The military benefits will set my kids up for life.”
“I’m working these hours so they don’t have to struggle.”
“I’m doing this for them.”
And listen none of that is a lie. But being real with your kids about these absences matters more than any benefits.
Those benefits are real. That money does help. Stability matters. Opportunity matters. Providing matters. I will never say it doesn’t.
But let’s pause and be brave enough to talk about the other side of that coin.
Those nights when your child falls asleep without you.
Those dinners where your chair stays empty.
Those school events where they scan the crowd, hoping just hoping you’ll walk in late.
Those moments leave marks.
And no college fund, healthcare plan, or pension can undo the quiet belief a child starts to form when absence becomes routine: “I must not be important enough.”
I’m not saying don’t take the job.
I’m not saying don’t serve your country.
I’m definitely not pretending I had a choice in my situation.
What I am saying is this: we have to stop hiding behind “benefits” and start being honest about the cost. Both things can be true at the same time. We can be providing and unintentionally hurting. Love doesn’t cancel impact.
How to Be Real with Your Kids During Hard Conversations
Here’s where I need to get uncomfortable. Being real with your kids means stopping the lies we tell to protect them.
For years actual years I lied to my daughter.
Every time she asked where I was, I gave her the same answer:
“Mommy is at work.”
Work.
Like I was clocking in somewhere, choosing overtime, or just stuck in traffic. Like I could leave whenever I wanted. Every visit. Same question. Same lie.
I told myself I was protecting her. I told myself the truth would be too heavy. I told myself I was doing the “right thing.”
Plot twist: I was wrong. Painfully wrong.
My son is younger, so I didn’t even include him in the conversation at all. And let’s be honest—I was scared. I did not need him telling his daycare teacher, “My mom lives in prison.” That’s a conversation I wasn’t ready to manage yet. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
But my daughter? She knew something wasn’t adding up.
Kids always know.
The Question That Broke Me
One day, my daughter looked at me really looked at me and asked:
“Mommy… is your job more important than me and my brother? Is that why you can’t leave?”
That question shattered me.
Because in her mind, my absence wasn’t about circumstances. It was about choice. She thought I was choosing something over her.
I wanted to scream. Cry. Disappear. Undo everything. But I couldn’t. And the hardest truth of all? I had put us here. My choices had consequences and my child was carrying emotional weight she never should have had to carry.
That’s when it hit me: my lies weren’t protecting her. They were hurting her. They were making her question her worth, her importance, her place in my heart.
And that kind of wound doesn’t heal quietly.
The Day Everything Changed
A few months before she turned seven, I made a decision.
No more running. No more hiding. No more half-truths.
We were sitting in visitation the kind of place where everything feels monitored, timed, and unnatural—and I asked her gently, “Baby, what do you think this place is?”
She said, “Your job?”
I asked her if she noticed that I wasn’t wearing the same uniform as the officers. She looked around. Paused. Thought.
And then I told her the truth.
Not every detail. Not every ugly part. Just the truth she was old enough to hold.
I told her that something bad happened. That I made choices. That I was here because I needed to learn and become better.
The Moment That Broke Me and Healed Me
She looked at me and said:
“Mommy, I don’t think you’re a bad person. If nobody told you, I forgive you.”
I completely lost it.
Because that moment taught me something powerful: kids don’t need perfection. They need honesty. They don’t need us to be heroes. They need us to be real.
Why We Avoid These Conversations
We avoid them because we’re scared.
Because we’re ashamed.
Because we don’t want to disappoint them.
Because we don’t know how to explain adult messes to small hearts.
But here’s the truth: silence doesn’t protect kids. It confuses them.
The Benefits of Being Honest
Honesty stops confusion.
Honesty builds trust.
Honesty teaches accountability.
Honesty deepens connection.
Honesty prepares them for real life.
Truth doesn’t damage children secrets do.
Learn More About: Benefits of Honest Parenting
How to Have the Conversation
Keep it age-appropriate.
Take accountability.
Reassure them of your love.
Answer their questions.
Keep the door open.
You don’t need perfect words. You need honest ones.
The Humor in the Hard
Kids have zero chill. They will ask life-altering questions in the middle of Uno and then ask for snacks like nothing happened. You learn to laugh so you don’t fall apart.
A Message to Every Parent Reading This
If you are absent from your child’s daily life for any reason your kids deserve the truth from you, not guesses, not whispers, not stories they make up on their own.
Final Thoughts
I don’t have all the answers. I’m still learning. Still healing. Still parenting from a place that isn’t ideal.
But I’m choosing honesty.
Because being real with your kids doesn’t break them.
It saves their hearts.
Read More: Disrespect Boulevard: 7 Proven Steps Toward Self-Destruction
